July 29, 2010

Wedding Caterer Menus: An Alternate Take

I apologize for my utter failure as a blogger over the past couple of months. I can honestly say that I had no idea just how much stress and misery* wedding planning causes, and that, if I could have, I would have gladly holed up in the attic to write to you, my dear readers (all six of you), instead of negotiating and choosing and crying and planning, etc.

One of the (many, many, many) things that has made my blood boil over the past month or so is the ridiculousness of wedding caterer menus. It's not enough that these people feel entitled to charge $34 for a chicken dinner; they also make you wade through descriptions of dishes that end up sounding like they belong more in a fairy tale than in your stomach.

Usually, by the time I'm done reading a new caterer's menu, I feel like I need to take a nap or a chug a bottle of Robitussin and let the spaceship take me somewhere pretty. So, in the hopes that it will bring my blood pressure back down to somewhere in the vicinity of normal, I've devised a menu of my own.


Kitt's Kittchen Katering Kompany

Below is just a sample of what we do! 
We take pride in our ability to customize a menu just for you!

Hors D'Oeuvres

Mini Dog Whisker Soufflés 
adorned with a tantalizing compote of pomegranate and squirrel blood, and sprinkled with fairy dust.

Gypsy Tear Shooters
made with the tears of real gypsies, and perfumed with essence of tarpentine and a hint of lavender.

Old Man Boxer Short Skewers
Bunched up old man boxer shorts, marinated in pine pitch and grilled with pineapple, passion fruit, and goat toenails. Served with a dollop of dandelion-infused Neosporin.


Unicorn Heart Sliders
Finely-ground unicorn heart patties, served with turnip greens and 
a lock of Hobbit hair, and dusted with the dandruff from that weird girl in The Breakfast Club.

Pigeon Breast à la Unpronouncable-Word-Chosen-to-Demonstrate-How-Cultured-I-Am
The finest pigeon breast, marinated in windshield wiper fluid and roasted in a 451-degree oven, which is also, incidentally, the temperature required to burn books in Ray Bradbury's famous novel, 
and served with a soupçon of clover-infused infant drool.

Note: all entrées are served with sesame and eye-gook-encrusted breadsticks that have been used to beat immigrant women until their sweat drips into a bucket, which is then distilled into an apertif called Sweatitso that we will offer with our compliments during dessert.


Chocolate Torte
made with chocolate produced from cocoa beans picked only by one-eyed, finger-less South American children, and filled with raspberry preserves. Served with a scoop of toothpaste sorbet.

Coconut Flan Sandwich
layers of goat cheese ice cream, coconut flan, jalapeno-infused biscuits, and hobo tongues.

Price per person: $900
CT Sales tax: 900%
Labor: each guest must promise us his or her firstborn child
Rentals: the bride must forfeit one eyeball or two fingers off one hand
Gratuities: at your discretion :-)

Please call us with any questions, modifications, or suggestions. All dishes can be made gluten, dairy, and soy-free at an extra charge of: the father of the bride's right ear, and the groom's big toe.

You know...I do feel better. Maybe that's why all caterers seem so effing happy--they just make up preposterous dishes and giggle to themselves every time some bride falls all over herself whipping out her checkbook to sign away her life's earnings.

I'm off to compare photographers' prices. Don't even get me started on the new "boudoir session" trend in wedding photography. One package I was given even offers a "three person boudoir package." Does that mean bride, groom, and...grandma? Oy.

*The true test of whether or not all of the aforementioned stress and misery is worth it: are you still absolutely mad about the person you're marrying, even in the midst of wedding planning? If so, then grab onto that person and don't let go. Happily, I can say that this process has all made me love T more than ever...even if I'd like to watch some other people take a long walk off a short pier.


  1. Hahaha... So good. My favorite is the Pigeon Breast à la Unpronouncable-Word-Chosen-to-Demonstrate-How-Cultured-I-Am. So, SO true!!!

  2. that was pretty amazing! and boy am i hungry...